If Quilters Wrote Spam

The first definition of email spam that I recall seeing showed up online in the 1980’s, naming spam as a Stupid, Pointless, Annoying Message. Many far more humorous explanations of the acronym abound. In marketing circles it is sometimes call Self Propelled Advertising Material

I look in my spam email files regularly. I need to, as the filters seem to be a bit erratic in their ability to sort my mail for me. Just this morning, emails from favorite quilt stores had migrated to the spam file, and copious offers for meds and online schools creep into my regular mail box. Looking through the subject lines in a spam folder is like reading a bad guide to dysfunctional self-help. 

According to...computer security company McAfee, spammers last year generated a whopping 62 trillion junk e-mails. What does that mean in terms of energy? Instead of sending messages...the electricity used sending the e-mails could have powered 2.4 million homes for a year. - McAfee.com, April 2009

And just who do these spammers think I am? I have no interest in hot chicks on web cams, unless they mean poultry recipes for the grill. I am not wanting to meet random unknown singles, be they lonely, of a particular faith, or ‘in my neighborhood.’ I know who my relatives are, thank you. I can find any government grants I need on my own. My house is alarming enough already. And I certainly do not need any part of my body enlarged.   

If spam-creating writers had a clue of how to get my attention, they would change their topics and subject lines. What self-respecting fabric addict and quilter would not be tempted to open emails with senders and subject lines like these? Additional suggestions are welcomed. 

  • from: DirectSupplier: We will qualify you for free fabric, or pay for it ourselves
  • from: HotBins: I solved my stash problems in one day
  • from: BareThreads: Perfect, tightly-wound spools just for you
  • from: HelpAQuilter: My family kicked me out because of my addiction
  • from: Psst,Addicts: Get your supply of free, clean needles discretely
  • from: Freebies4U: Sign up today, get free fabric for life
  • from: DieCutterNirvana: Take our survey, get a free die cutter
  • from: CartoonMailer: Get quilt cartoons delivered daily
  • from: Q-Terminators: We eliminate UFO’s immediately
  • from: Ima Quiltgod: Patterns, templates, more, never over $1
  • from: Perky Points: My pressing method for crisp points every time
  • from: ToplessInSeattle: Stripers take note! Quicky quilt tops from strips.
  • from: InYourDreams: Lose inches sitting at your sewing machine

Curiously, I simply cannot write about spam without sharing this: I live in Minnesota, home to the original Hormel Foods trademarked product, SPAM. I have visited the SPAM Museum in Austin, MN. I learned that SPAM came out in 1937, had the first singing commercial on TV, and had a troupe of uniformed women traveling the country in the mid-1940’s to promote SPAM. The strategy must have worked as they sold can number one billion in 1959! Their version of SPAM’s name is supposedly short for SPiced hAM, and was featured in Monty Python’s Flying Circus show in 1970. There is a version called Stinky French Garlic SPAM that was offered briefly in England when the show SPAMALOT came out. Touring the SPAM Museum was far more interesting than I expected, even though everyone entering, including me, looked like they were hoping no one would actually see them succumbing to this curiosity. Admit it, we have all eaten SPAM.   

Attention Procrastination Police! On Monday’s blog entry Where’s Mary?, I asked you to hold me accountable to finishing the last seven 12.5 inch blocks of “two inch treasure” quilt #4. Here they are, but they did NOT grow on a tree! Now on to assembling and finishing! How are you doing on your stagnated projects, those things that will soon become UFO’s if you do not get cracking on them?

TwoInTreasNo4 last 7 blocks

The last seven blocks of Two Inch Treasure Quilt #4 are done!

©2010, The Curious Quilter, thecuriousquilter.net, maryeoriginals.com.


About thecuriousquilter

Quilter, sewer, writer, gardener, mother, sister, friend, always learning, always curious.
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9 Responses to If Quilters Wrote Spam

  1. Sarah C. says:

    Love it love it love it!!!! Thanks for the giggle!!

  2. Martin says:

    OH, girl, you are funny!

    And congrats on finishing up the dreaded blocks. Bet it feels good.

  3. katieQ says:

    I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I have never eaten SPAM. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I grew up in NY City. I have seen it in the supermarket. Do I dare to try in my grey haired old age? I will be brave and meet (or meat) the challenge.

  4. J. Johnson says:

    WTG on finishing those Last Seven Blocks!

    And on having a sense of humor; I especially love the Terminators, ToplessinSeattle, PerkyPoints, and losing weight while sitting and sewing!

  5. Val Laird says:

    Brilliant, Mary. Thanks for the smiles.

  6. cindy says:

    I’ve had Spam in the past, can’t seem to remember how it taste. Now you have me curious and I think I’ll have to get some. Fried Spam and eggs sounds good right now.
    Thanks for the giggles.

  7. Elaine Adair says:

    Oh perfect!!! Now I might have to read that danged spam mail more carefully to see if YOUR suggestions actually made it to SPAM! LOL

  8. Dana says:

    Don’t forget the one about the quilter who died in Nigeria and left all of her fabric to you.

  9. Pingback: Hello World, Again! My Blog Turns One. | The Curious Quilter

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